Lucky Number 10

I've needed a bit of time to let the 'new reality' sink in.

I found a supervisor, or in the least someone who is interested in my work and is willing to 'sign off' on it. The unfortunate winner of a supervisorial relationship with me is none other than Thomas Homer-Dixon (www.homerdixon.com). Unfortunate because I think I'm a hard cracker to crunch and don't do particularly well with other people's agendas.

As always, you need to hear the story before you can understand the significance of what has or may happen vis-a-vis this relationship.

Let's take it back to last summer. Laura (my lady) and I were on a bicycle trip from Hamilton, ON to Scotsburn, NS. Three weeks on the road and the culmination of much hill-climb training and risk-taking (the relationship). We arrived in Halifax and all I wanted to do was think and read. You would think that after a year of ramming my head full on into complexity science in McMaster's 'Cube Farm' that I would need a break. Yes folks, I was feeling bored and cranky and not exactly understanding why. My attempt at a solution was to buy a book. I went down to Barrington Street to 'Canada's oldest bookstore' and perchanced on a copy of 'The Ingenuity Gap' by Thomas Homer-Dixon.

'Can we solve the problems of the future'?, he asks.

In between beers with Laura's brother Luke, strolls down Agricola, and dips in a lake near Antigonish, I read through the book in large chunks. I was impressed with the flow between ideas and the desire to understand how humans and our own humanity is able to handle complexity. He weaved narrative, cognitive anthropology, history, interviews, complexity science, technology, and ecology (among other things) to try and capture how the human mind is constrained and enabled in a complex world. The complexity of the human mind and spirit is situated within a tangled web of relationships that shape the global crisis. Our planet is dying and can we do anything to heal it?

I remember reading it and also having some criticisms of the book, particulary around issues that related to education and complexity sciences. As a maturing thinker on these two issues, I feel that he could have spoke to more important issues about the learning conditions under which 'ingenuity' emerges.

All this aside, I was quite impressed with his work, and upon finding that he was a professor at UofT I sent him an email with my narrative map asking to set up a meeting for a possible supervisorialship. I was off to OISE in September 2005 and ready to get my learn on. He replied saying that he was off on sabbatical and I would be best to contact him sometime in the New Year.

At this point I figured that I would probably find someone by that time and be well on my way to getting my thesis started. But, as reality played out, I contacted nine people before I would come to meet TAD (his nickname), who in some way or another could not or would not supervise me. In trying to establish relationships with these nine people, I learned a lot about the culture at OISE and about myself, my ideas. For some professors, they did not have status to supervise although they were interested. One professor, Gary Knowles, said that my stuff "didn't turn his crank". Another, Linda Muzzin, commented that my complexity science perspectives were too colonial and positivist for her sensibilities. I think she misunderstood the nature of my work but I could now see that I wasn't speaking the social equity language that characterizes the 'discourse' at OISE.

I was starting to get quite depressed and the hope that dwells at the top of my spiritual iceberg was melting under the sun of southern seas. I was mildly satisfied in spending my days at home buggering around on the computer and drinking stovetop espressos.

A few weeks ago I decided to see if TAD was around and interested in my work. I wasn't going to give up. A meeting was booked and I had 30 mins to plug myself. This isn't much time, and so under the advice of mentor Margaret Secord, I sent him a short note outlining what I was about and what I needed. He replied back thanking me for the concise note setting up the meeting and was looking forward to the get together.

The morning of, I put on my good clothes and left the door not trying to care too much about what would happen. The outcome could have been the same old, and I wonder how I would be feeling right now if that was the case. I showed up at his office and he came around the corner not entirely sure who I was.

"Sean, right?"

"Yup"

We entered his office, which is quite swank and comfortable and sat down on comfortable chairs facing each other. Wine and hard liquor sat on a table behind me. Photographs I remembered from his book lined the walls.

"I think the work you're doing is so important" he launched into discussion.

"There are very few people in this country doing this right now".

Geez, what do you say to this? Smile and nod.

A student came in the room needing TADs help. I watched the two negotiate a tangled issue about ethics boards, travel scholarships, and the Congo. TAD was intense, asking lots of questions, making many comments challening the student.

We returned to the discussion, which boiled down to him agreeing in principle to supervise me. I have sent him a short proposal, which if he likes, will mark the official start.

This man is a busy man. He's an advisor to the White House. He's writing another book and planning to travel the globe. He has a one year old. The way to deal with this, he supposes, is to work on my thesis in chunks - a few pages and paragraphs at a time. By March 2007 this should all be wrapped up.

So that was it. I left the place feeling pretty tripped out and quite pleased. The emotional release later on that day with Laura was quite intense and things are now settling down. In many ways, nothing is different. He's a busy guy and I won't have much contact with him. But I have an ally, a powerful one at that.

An interesting note here. I mentioned the whole situation to a friend on the weekend. She said that she knew of students who were not pleased with TAD as an instructor, regarding him as arrogant and conceited. I looked him up on www.ratemyprofessors.ca and a few students had indeed commented on this. One student said that they learned a lot from him because he expects a great deal, made them work hard.

I learn by experience, and I hope to see the proof in the pudding that this fellow will be able to engage me in the ways that I seek.

let's see what happens.

sp

Turnin' on a Dime

I wrote this between September 22nd and September 25th 2004...most of it on the the train.



Sitting in a train car far down the endless platform. They really make you walk for the economy fare. As I get on the car, it's left if I'm going to Montreal. The other car attached in front of mine is headed somewhere else I’m told. Probably a Dr. Who train headed to Kansas.

____________

The date is 22 September 2004. A Wednesday and it’s International Car Free Day. Fitting, considering I’m on a train headed to Toronto. Halifax, law school, amazing folks, the ocean are all being left to Canada's geographical right.

Making the decision when the time came was easy, it was the time leading up to it that was the hardest part. All of a sudden in the Killam library, my values and feelings clicked and the result was made clear. I need to be elsewhere doing elsewhat – ask me about the details in person. I was watching myself go in the door and right back out again. It’s a ridiculously crazy feeling seeing your path turn on a dime.

…damn, dimes are small.

Dream talk (a language I have been working with lately) has featured very prominently in helping me describe my experiences. Dream talk is about communicating sensory-based experiences as we would describe a dream. Other folks have the capacity to dream, so the scenarios I describe elicit a sensory experience in their mind. A connection is made. In some scenarios I am running to the edge of a cliff with a pack on, halting by intuition at the bluff’s weeds, and looking at the torn cord on the back of my parachute. Other times it’s my creative energies, an army battering down the law-wall I constructed to keep them at bay.

The wall is down and I'm on a train to Toronto.

The consequential details of going with my gut were vague ten days ago. Since that time, however, ideas have been pouring in at all times - especially in the shower. The particulars of my actions are taking shape.

This transition is ultimately about my values, my path (however it intends to evolve) and a notion of my role in contributing to the creation of a better world. My hopes for a better world come armed with ideas, humour, persistence, and long hours with words on paper and in my mind. These hopes are founded on the support and experiences I have with inspirators, family, solid friends and, of course, my bicycle.

Organizing my ideas and feelings about why I feel my path has turned on a dime is difficult. Expectations both self-imposed and externally perceived, old habits, unanswered questions, a longing for understanding and maximizing of the self, and the unrelenting effort it takes to stay conscious all seem to scream at me at once. Lao Tse teaches in the Tao Te Ching that The Ocean Refuses No River, that the key to existence, is to be in a constant state of departure without ever actually arriving. Thinking about my journey in this way helps me see the value of openness, effort and time. That is, there is no certainty, only trust. Trust in the message from within that overrides all else.

I don’t want to lose you here. Let’s get at the concrete factors that are at play.

I often ask myself what values or components help contribute to building a better world? My inquiry into this question lies “not in a mass answer, but in a mass of answers” (from Colin Ward: Being Local). What I have learned from literature, stories and my own experiences is the usefulness of a local ecological model that considers human relationships, not just in the context of nature, but with all aspects of society. The basis of this model asserts that ecosystems, communities, and localities vary from each other in a multitude of subtle and brazen ways. Things like social values, political leanings, languages and ‘sub-languages’, geographical outlay, weather, history, human physiologies, educational needs, economies, art, olfactography, etc. (the tangibles and intangibles of a place and it’s inhabitants) span a very wide spectrum. We would have to be blind and crazy to believe that one system, one approach will best suit the needs of all communities in any given geopolitical boundary.

In order to ground this perspective to something more familiar, I often think about the learning schematic Del often uses for illustrating student-directed learning and ‘one size fits all’ learning. The following is my adaptation of it (see bottom of message, or perhaps it will show here).


Total Bummer

Under what I termed ‘totalitarian education’, there is only one learning structure that students must abide by in order to reach a certain outcome. The outcome can usually be thought of as a specific knowledge and skill set in whatever is being studied. Characteristics of this model typically include a standardized curriculum, lecturing by a teacher/expert to a mostly passive student audience, standardized regurgitation of details and concepts on tests and exams (note the emphasis being placed on key word counts in the marking of exams), a de-emphasis on going outside the course materials, and a general discouragement of questions and collaboration on assignments.

The problem, however, is that we all have different learning needs, varied skill levels, mottled learning goals and interests. To expect that placing a ‘one size fits all’ on all students will produce the intended outcome is a false hope. Even if you put 90 straight-A students into a first-year biology class, you will never achieve the one outcome being attempted (that is, the acquisition of a specific knowledge base and skill set). The large spread between how these students perform on assessments is a clear indicator of the disjunct between the educational agenda and the desired outcome.

I expect that we all wish to nurture competency, inquiry, and self-sufficiency in life-long learning. If so, the totalitarian model must be rejected as the dominant norm for it does not allow students (or better yet, ‘learners’) to be active, creative, and self-directing throughout the learning process.

One critique of the current system is that education is an effective tool for developing a compliant citizenry (Field Day, Matt Hern). Compliancy to what? Compliancy to the ideas and values explored in the classroom at the discretion of the professor, and at the elementary/secondary levels; the provincial government. Questions that challenge the substance of the curriculum are threatening to those with a vested interest in the entrenchment of that substance. We are brought up in the classroom without critiques of governance, transportation, economics, health care, etc. The compliant approach is reinforced with the sound of a bell and ensures pacification with neutral texts approved by government controlled school boards. The outcome our government and corporations are after is a citizenry who have an education that serves their needs. Anyone notice the faculties that get the most university funding and grants? Has anyone looked at the recent requisites in the elementary and high-school curricula? Scary stuff.

Although there is still much to be articulated on this point, my recent inquiry into the works of folks like Rousseau, Tolstoy, and Gatto being to show how this compliancy is an effective way of creating a society of unquestioning, uncreative, bored and passive consumers.

Another response I have heard is that the totalitarian model is an issue of administrative convenience. “Too many students, too little time, too little resources”. In this neo-conservative era of fiscal prudence, funding cut-backs for education across the board, a sizable near-retirement professor base, a heightened demand for university degrees (yup, 80% of the new jobs being created in Canada in the next 10 years will require a university degree), the situation might not seem so unexpected. One professor for 500 students isn’t as costly as one professor for 30 students. Letting the students ‘run wild’ with their own learning might appear to place a severe burden on the system – who and what monitoring system is going to be there making sure that each student is learning what they need to be? This argument has a number of faults. I only have enough time here to discuss three of them.

1. Continuing education costs – If we fail to cultivate life-long learners, the expectation that paid educators and institutions are necessary for learning will continue to perpetuate the need for costly educational resources.
2. Hoop jumping. The totalitarian approach requires that students fulfill a wide array of prerequisite courses before they are ‘eligible’ to take other courses or enter a specific program. It’s not really a question of whether students are capable of advancement, but whether or not they can jump the administrative hoops. My problem here is the amount of time, energy and resources that are wasted in the process. If I want to do medicine, why do I need to take a full year of organic chemistry to apply to med schools? Is it so I can jump through other hoops (ie. MCAT)? Are the knowledge and skill sets derived from this course diverse enough to account for how students intend to use organic chemistry? This last question is important for it probes a) the amount of filler thrown at us to learn and b) the appropriateness of using a narrow agenda to reach a narrow outcome. Fewer useless hoops, fewer resources spent inappropriately.
3. Institutional. I often think how learning can be done outside the classroom and in the community. Through our participation in a learning-focused endeavour, either self-started or under an existing structure, we are contributing to our communities. A social trade is being made. The classroom with all its furnishings isn’t a necessary expenditure if learners are learning elsewhere. True, we can’t expect this to happen for all students, all the time, as classrooms are still important and community resources are limited.

There is at least one serious question that needs to be addressed. How can we be assured that someone has the required knowledge and skills to competently and professionally assume certain responsibilities? This is a critical question considering we know many folks headed towards a profession in medicine.

Standards need to exist, benchmarks by which we can measure capacity to enact the knowledge and skills in question. Surgery, working with kids, building a house, etc. requires competent folks. Assessment in the context of standards and benchmarking is immensely helpful both for those keeping the gate, for establishing trust in someone’s abilities, and I would argue that it is most important for the self. For a more detailed explanation, ask me about Kolb’s learning circle sometime.

Transition

One of the reasons why I am turning away from law school is because of how well it fits the totalitarian model. I knew what to expect before I started, but retrospectively I thought that I could deal with it or change it. After my first few classes I saw my core values clash head on with the law machine. I needed to go in the doors, taste the cheese (and take a couple of pounds of it), meet the folks. I was at the meeting ground of my ideas, values, and creativity with the thorny path of law. What am I really after here? The inner dude spoke up at a good time. Or maybe I just happened to be listening. Just in listening I found an acceptance of myself without any question.

Just two days ago I was in the law office sitting with the assistant dean. She wasn’t surprised that I wanted to leave, but sad that my energy would not be present to shake things up. She wholeheartedly agreed that law school is using archaic and inappropriate pedagogical approaches despite the vast body of literature cracking through the walls of the traditional Harvard case-method.

I wrote earlier about sharing my values that form a vision of a better world. As you might have guessed, those values are not structured in a totalitarian way. But to say that a mere awareness of the faults of this model is reason enough to reject law school, to reject an approach to life, would be purely cynical and devoid of hope.

Thank goodness for ecology.

Eco-Freako

The train moves into the night. Spatters of distant lights flicker between the trees from unknown places in New Brunswick. Quebec is around the corner. I hear a mishmash of English and Quebecois from seats down the aisle. A Montrealer with a hoarse accent asks the stewardess if the bar car is open. ‘Too rowdy’ she says, ‘we had to close it down a long time ago’. He orders two beers from the treat trolley, one for himself and one for the man dragged into sitting through his ranting. Me thinks he’ll be drinking both beers.

______________________


The ‘ecological’ model I show above mirrors the inquiry process used to form the basis for the B.H.Sc. Programme. Each of us has specific learning needs, and as such, we need to build skills that foster those needs. This involves a slew of concepts that still form this loose mush in our minds; reflection, evaluation, synthesis, resource appraisal and acquisition, question generation and refinement, collaboration and group skills, etc. Many of us took the same courses together and we often read the same materials. The outcome, however, is varied across the board. The knowledge and skill sets derived from an inquiry experience are what they should be - expectedly different from person to person.

This model has really grown on me because of its applicability. There are a multitude of systems in our lives that attempt to serve the needs of society and it’s important to look at how we are organizing those systems. Think briefly about the some of the various systems we rely upon on a daily basis:

A. Food
B. Transportation of people and goods
C. Governance
D. Residence
E. Employment
F. Economic activity and consumption
G. Energy

Under the auspices of the ‘inevitable globalized world’, we are seeing many of these life support systems becoming, or are already working in a centralized and homogenized fashion. This centralization is a direct reproduction of the Totalitarian Education model I described above. In the name of efficiency, we have lost local values and our voices in making decision about how we need to live our lives.

On average, food travels 2400km from its source to reach the markets in Chicago. Children grow up in a suburban life populated by box stores, boxed transport, and boxed education without ever having to interact with nature. Many of our consumer products are made halfway around the world by companies that exploit workers, support tyrannical government regimes, and plunder natural resources without concern for ecological health. Yeah, we’ve heard this all before. We’re saturated with information documenting the plunder of the planet.

How do we change our current state of affairs? Better leadership, more consultation with the public, tighter regulations on corporate activity, more investment in sustainable technologies and practices? Yes, these things do need to happen, but are insufficient if they are still taking place under a totalitarian model. It’s like making an ‘inquiry’ lab a part of the first year biology curriculum. What I am proposing is the construction of an ecological model that allows communities and localities to determine what their needs are and be central players in meeting those needs. Not just life-long learning, but life-long living that is based on sufficiency and determination of the self and the community.

Okay, so what do these communities look like? Don’t we already have them? Yes, but they are predominantly geo-political structures that are increasingly segmented into performing many tasks that don’t serve local needs. Think about this in context of education. Students are required by law to attend state-sanctioned institutions to perform tasks that don’t relate to the needs of students. Like the school-system, the current conception of the community is designed to create compliancy to the needs of government and corporate interest. By turning the basics of life into objects of ownership by the state and corporation, communities are required to tow the line in order to access those basics. The Bechutel water privatization story in Bolivia (as shown in The Corporation) is a striking example.

Instead, the size, structure and activity of a community should be a function of:
a. geographical location
b. eco-system capacity to:
• provide natural ‘resources’ and energy for production and consumption
• perform ‘services’ such as carbon-sinking and water filtration
• handle wastes
c. demographics
d. cultural/social values
e. relationships with other communities in context of collaboration and externalities

It is only after a careful consideration of these factors that we will be able to construct governance, education and business to serve those needs. Why would we expect government, education, and business to decide those needs for the citizen? Are people not creative and resourceful enough to serve their own needs anymore?

I still need to address a few issues here. First, I am not describing a world of isolated communities all doing their own thing. As was necessary in the inquiry setting, there is a great deal of collaboration involved in the meeting of needs. A collaborative process is essential to finding points of common unity (community = common unity). The process also allows for the dissent, disagreement, and debate required for democracy and maintenance of local values. In inquiry, ideas and tasks are shared between learners to make the process more fruitful for all involved. The idea is not to divide and isolate knowledge and skills between individuals. Groups can effectively build knowledge and skills as a whole and still allow for individual learning autonomy. Second, this is not about the displacement of government and corporate structures. Their healthy role is secondary in that they should serve the ecological needs of citizens. Government should have a role that is akin to Del (although I don’t know how many us would actually ever elect Del to a role with serious responsibility) and be present as a resource and facilitator of the ecological processes. Corporations and business can resemble the administrative component of the university, which is a business that should be present to serve the learning needs of the academic and surrounding communities. I question how much we are currently using the academic community to support the interests of the university in context of corporate research and investment.

Where to from here?

Later on in the evening as the older folks drift off in their tight train seats, the Montrealer’s voice grows louder and more incoherent. He proclaims casually about his recent two-hour conversation with Jesus. I hear a pill bottle jostle in his hands. Some are popped down a gruff throat. An argument between a steward and the man rouses half the car. He is soon dropped off at a station in the middle of Quebec at three in morning; six Amqui police officers wait with smiles. Cargo, crew and passengers finally get some sleep as the kip-less train tugs steel into the black.
_______________________

This was written on a train quite quickly and organically, so the questions you have about gaps in my ideas is well warranted. I wrote this to stimulate discussion. My plan is to ground, focus, expand and rework these ideas. This may likely preoccupy me for the rest of my life. It’s possible that I will return to an institution for learning, but I know more clearly what terms I can and can’t compromise on. I saw a master’s program at OISE (UofT) that would allow me to do research on inquiry education in context of environmental issues. Who knows? Right now, absolutely anything can happen.

Narrative Maps: The Contours of Learning

I created this map last year when I was working as 'creative one-man think tank' for the Bachelor of Health Sciences program at McMaster University. One of the questions I was working on centrered around capturing learning over four years in formats that did not use grades. Imagine schooling without grades, which are essentially punitive measures used to externally motivate performance towards contrived and competitive ends. Yes, we need ways of communicating ability between institutions, but wouldn't it be better if we could capture the relationships between learning inside and outside the classroom and the actual products of that learning (reports, feedback from peers and instructors, etc.). The argument I always hear is that it takes too much time to read these sorts of things, but when we spend more time looking at the details of someone's life, we are communicating in the 'real' and can make better decisions about where people want to go, what their learning needs are, and what people are good at.

Anywho, onto the map.

It is difficult to read on it's own, so allow me to preface what it means. The map covers four years of undergraduate studies, beginning at the centre and radiating somewhat outwards. Each label indicates a significant learning experience - those with boxes indicate the courses I had and those without boxes are informal or nonformal experiences. The lines and arrows indicate where I considered there to be a transfer of skills or knowledge (or both) between experiences.

Coming into the beginning of my studies, I wanted to pursue medicine and took courses (indicated in first and second year on the right side) that would help me acheive this end. I enjoyed my first year experience and performed well in all these courses (A- to A+). I have some products that represent the learning in these courses, but for the purposes of just showing how my map works, I will not include it. My experience was enjoyable largely because of what was happening outside the program. A few us decided to help start a student society for the programm (HTH SCI Society) and some of my friends from the program undertook a bicycle trip to Montreal and raised funds for the Children's Hospital (Montreal Maniacs). These experiences are truly some of my most memorable and I am still friends with the people involved.

I was not aware at the time how much impact these experiences would have on my future development. By second year I was becoming less interested in the medical sciences and started exploring other ideas. I became interested in Naturopathic Medicine, cycling, student government and education. You can start to see on the left side I show my movement away from the health sciences as a formal study. My involvement with the student's union helped me find opportunities for constructing my own courses (Inquiry) and I was able to pursue my interests in an institutionaly legitimate manner.

By third and fourth year I found myself running a bicycle co-operative I had set up, sitting on Senate committees (one of which was deciding whether or not rehire the university president), various campus committees, and doing thesis work on an environmental process of the Red Hill Creek Expressway. Over the summer between third and fourth year (not shown, but I should) I took a trip with my friends across the Rockies and Prairies by bicycle. It was here, on a desolate road between Rosetown and Outlook that I thought about pursuing legal studies to become an environmental lawyer. I think of myself as a professional agent of social change and I wanted to continue learning about to enact programs and policies that would improve the environment.

I spent all of fourth year learning about environmental law, writing my LSATs twice (69th and 70th percentile scores), and thinking forward to the future. My last year was quite rich - I was valedictorian for the entire Health Sciences faculty and a winner of the President's Award for Excellence in Student Leadership. My work had been recognized in some way by my mentors and peers and I was quite humbled. I was also accepted to Dalhousie Law School.

So I took off out West for the summer to do some travelling, leaving Hamilton behind. I didn't know if and how I would find myself in Hamilton again, except to see friends and family. Vancouver Island, Tofino and the Gulf Islands were quite amazing and I really let loose out there. Hitch hiking, sleeping in the woods, nude beaches and going with the flow. Then I went East to Halifax in mid-summer to get myself set up. I found my way into a student sublet with some amazing folks, who I want to talk about later. I also 'bumped' into who would eventually be my partner in love, Laura Arsenault.

The first week of school came and shortly after that, I withdrew from school. I was never really quite sure if law school was for me despite knowing that I am a committed and passionate learner. I had heard about the culture of legal studies - the law firms and their OCI's in first year. What was becoming more frightening for me was speaking with current students and graduates of law about what the experience was like and what was possible with the degree. Environmental law, I soon learned was not always about protecting the environment, but about helping corporations weave around the law to reach ends that often involved abuse of the environment. Organizations like Sierra Legal Defence, while a solid environmental law organization, is the only firm in Canada in which you can get an apprenticeship. One to two positions annually - not exactly what I was looking for. The graduates had the most interesting things to say and in the end many of them (and this is supported by research) never ended up practicing.

I was disillusioned - the disjuncture between by perception and the reality was a chasm. Although I had just started a relationship with Laura, I had a compelling sense to return to Hamilton. I called my friend Itay, who lived in Toronot and I asked him if I could come live with him and start something anew.

I left Halifax by train on September 22, 2004 - Car Free Day. Laura saw me off on the train, and although we didn't know why this was all happening, for some reason we knew that this just the beginning of something much larger. On the 27hr. train ride I wrote what became the seeds that have grown into what I am doing today. It explains the pretext to my work on complexity science and learning and I will post it after this.

When I returned, I was hired by the same programme I was a student in just a year earlier and was given the opportunity to develop my ideas on education as I experiemented and worked with students on different projects. Del, my boss and mentor said that I had to leave within a year and apply somewhere else for studies. My brain would need it.

So here I am at OISE in Toronto. What I am doing here is another story, but the map at least helps explain how I got here.

Cognitive Rollah-Koastah

cognition involves both feelings and 'rationalized' responses. you can't tease either apart for very long. you can see the relationship everyday, at many levels.

i wake up, like many of us do, feeling groggy and not exactly thrilled about overcoming my own deadweight to move about. my body is switching on many psychological, physical and chemical processes to get myself ready for another day of graduate studentship.

i have a love for coffee. really good coffee. there are reasoned and emotional connections for me here. over the past few years i have gone from Tim Horton's (aka Jim Gordon's), to a bodum, to a stovetop espresso maker. Laura, my love, works at Ideal coffee and feeds me bags of organic dark roast beans every week. i grind them to a desired to fineness, pack the bowl tight, and hit the gas. a process of refining the experience that i can be proud of. in a broader sense, the relationship between my body, my work, my social interactions, and my ideas with coffee is quite multi-dimensional. years have been spent talking, writing, and thinking with coffee in hand. i will often put off doing these things until i have had a cup.

at one level of analysis, my coffee consumption is irrational. i can 'live' without coffee just fine...and perhaps i should given the addiction to a stimulant that makes me dehydrate. money would be saved and i could focus more on 'herbal teas' and water. this still argument fails miserably to cover over the glaring feeling that, in some way, coffee has some appreciable impact on how i live. for good and bad, light and dark.

the coffee is but a particular artifact of some process that is permeating and universal to my existence. for the most part, i think that the same sorts of processes i want to talk about here are also experienced by other people; same patterns, just different particulars.

two things happened over the past few weeks that speak to 'the' process.

a. i really started get down about not having a supervisor and feeling like everything was at a standstill. out of my mouth consistently came poisonous studential rhetoric about the institutions and the egos. teresa leung, at the mac postgrad info night, even remarked that she wasn't impressed with the denunciation of TPS ed admin. dwelling on the situation has caused me much stress and anxiety. why am i in school? what am i doing in toronto? should i be doing something else? will i finish? laura, do we have enough coffee?

i seem to have come through the worst of it now, even without having found a supervisor. hopeful connections fade off in the horizon like human mirages. i'm being forced to really think about why i'm doing this, and at the end of the day i can say i am strong because of my own merits. sitting in my little dingy, i row out into the ocean in search of salvation. i left shore some time ago, too long to ever be able to return. the sun beats down when the waves aren't crashing and as the days go by, i know that the journey is long. longer than i can fathom.

out at sea, in their own little dingies, are other people in my life. every so often we bump into each other and share our stories, some water from solar percolators, and big hugs. they are on on their own journies, and each of us, at many points feels alone. life at sea, away from the hard land, is hard goin'.

there are markers in the waters that tell me i'm on the right path. no maps ever written tell of where i might be going, so it's hard to recognize those markers for anything meaningful. sometimes, though, you just know.

yesterday and today are good examples. i came back to the article i have been hammering on for about a year now. into it i injected some conceptual gravy and quite shortly i will have 20 pages that i'm willing to ship to a publishing group. (see in next posting)

b. computer crash

so yeah, i knew it was going to happen at some point. i purchased an archos multimedia device to back up my hard-drive and a microphone to do audio interviews. a few days after backup, i began to seriously question whether or not my unit would last another few weeks. my eyes were open for a macintosh somewhere down the line and, quite fortuitously, someone at OISE advertised their powerbookG4 for $900. i picked it up the next evening for $850 and got home to turn on an old Dell that was completely defunct.

the smooth transition to a properly functioning computer has helped reduced the stress. i'm not fighting glitches all day. just smooth butter action now. plus, i found out just last week that the health science programme i work for is picking up the tab. i thank institutional capacity.


thanks to my dad, laura, erica, richard, jayson, gail, itay, joanne, and del for helping me get through this stretch. i'm still pumped to row my dingy into whatever comes next.

sp